Shit

Everything seems so unclear now.

I cannot define my thoughts, my feelings...
Even my sense of morality is shattered by all this things that are happening around me.
Everything seems out of place.

My father- God knows how I hate him, how I despise him.
I almost did everything I can to make him proud that he had me as his daughter.
Still, he ignores me.
He won't even listen to me.
He do not even understand me.

I hate him for not being the father I expected him to be.
He is not responsible enough to fulfill his obligations to his family, to us.
His weakness forced my beloved mother to leave home and work as a domestic helper (that for me is another word for slave with slightly more rights than true ones) for another family in a foreign land.
Oh how I missed my mother.
Every night I think of what she could be doing, if she is alright, or if she is lonely and thinking of us.

I despise him for what he had done to our mother.
I loathe him for what he is doing to our mother.
Most of all, I hate him for what he is doing to me and my brothers.

How can I ever make him understand that he is doing wrong?
But I myself can't figure out if what he's doing is wrong!
With all those new ideas and concepts I have been learning in anthropology, everything seems so confusing!
Who am I to tell him that what he is doing is wrong?

Maybe it is wrong for me because what he has been doing hurts me and my brothers,
especially my mother.
I know that this will hurt my mother more than anyone involved in this problem.

This whole thing makes me angry.
I cannot even look at my father. His mere presence infuriates me.
I have lost all the respect that's been left in me for him.

Much more, I hated myself the most for not doing anything regarding this shit.
I love my mother more than anyone else in this world.
I can't stand to see someone hurt her, not even my own father.
But I guess I'm just as cowardly as my father is.

tangama tangama tangama ko...

I don't want to be like him.


Before connecting in to the internet, I caught him again.
This time, he was not just texting her.
At first, I cannot get connected because there was no dial tone.
I was puzzled. The phone was working just fine a few minutes ago.
I checked the phone extension at the other house and was quite surprised to see my father talking to the other person on the line with such soft smile on his face.
It couldn't be my mother. She always calls on my father's celfone.

I thought my brother and I have already warned them. I thought then that they would stop.
I thought that we can just forget everything, and live our lives the same way it has been.

Am I being idealistic, or am I just plain foolish?

Stupid or not, one thing's for sure: This shit will never be forgotten.

Now, everything is changed. We won't live the same way we did before, whether we like it or not.