Pagmamadali

O hinde!!!
Tatlong exams pa...
Gusto ko nang matapos ang lahat ng ito!!!

Dali dali dali!
Tapusin na ang lahat!

March 21-deadline ng papers

Meron akong ginagawang kalokohan ngayon.

Ang dami kong exams- sa Anthro187, Anthro181, sa Chem, at sa Ling.
May kailangan pa akong ipa-print na paper ko sa archaeo.
Hay nakooooooo...
Alam kong dapat nag-aaral na lang ako ngayon.
Pero nagpapaka-pariwara na naman ako.
Ayaw ko e...
Wala akong inspirasyon!!!
Kailangan ko ng inspirasyon!!!
Walang nag-uudyok sa akin na pagbutihin ko ang mga trabaho ko.
Ang hirap naman ng ganito...
Ibig sabihin ba nito, hindi ko gusto ang mga ginagawa ko?
Waah! Ayokong mag-shift! Masaya naman sa anthro e...
Nasa akin nga lang siguro ang problema- Oo, tamaaaaaaaaaaaaad nga ako.
Ngayon ko lang namalayang hindi ko pala pinagbubuti ang pag-aral ko.
Pramis, next schoolyear, magsisipag na ako.
Kailangan ko lang ng konting inspirasyon, konting motivation na pagbutihin ang ginagawa ko.
Kaya lang, anong kabuluhan ng lahat ng ito?!
Hindi ko pa rin alam kung saan ako pupunta!
Hindi ko pa rin alam kung anong gusto kong gawin!
Waaah! Naguguluhan na ako!
Wala pa rin akong pangarap...
Ang hirap naman nito.

Gusto kong pumunta sa dagat.
Wooo, summer na naman.
Kailangan ayusin ko na ang sarili ko.
Kailanagn ko nang mag-isip.
Mag-iisip na naman ako?
Hay, ibig sabihin ba nito, wala akong kultura?
Naalala ko yung sabi ni Sir Cabanilla...
Culture prescribes what people do.
Kaya mayroong kultura para hindi na mag-isip ng kung anong dapat gawin ng mga tao.
In a way, parang tama rin naman ang sinabi ni sir para sa maraming tao na nagpapadala na lang sa agos ng buhay...
Pero ako- anong ginagawa ko?
hay! Ang gulo!!!
Kailangan kong ayusin ang mga iniisip ko.
Minsan nakakabaliw na. Hindi na ko makapagsalita.
I always keep things to myself, minsan 'di ko na nakakayanan.
Minsan kailangang ilabas, pero wala akong outlet.
Tanging ang pwet ko lang ang maaasahan ko sa paglalabas ng sama ng loob.
O mais! Salamat sa Maykapal at meron akong pwet at mais!
Wahahah!
Ang sarap tumawa.
Ang sarap tawanan ng lahat.
Ang buhay ay isang malaking kalokohan.
Bakit kailangan kong seryosohin ang buhay ko kung gano'n?

Heh! Gumagawa ka lang ng dahilan para magpaka-pariwara ka na naman!

Huh, sino yun? Yiiii... scary. Baka nga meron akong personality problem!
Waaah, nakakatakot! Nakakabaliw to a...
Hindi, hindi. Psychological lang ang lahat.

Ang daming uri ng realidad sa mundong ito.
Minsan hindi ko na alam kung alin ang totoo.
(Siguro kailangan kong kumuha ng GE sa philosophy.)
Kailangan malaman ko kung paano nagsimula ang lahat, kung paano nagkaroon ng lahat.
Ang dami kong gustong malaman...
hindi ko tuloy alam kung saan ako mag-uumpisang maghanap ng mga kasagutan.

Gusto kong magkaroon ng maraming pera para makapag-ikot sa mundo.
Pero ibig sabihin, kailangan kong mag-conform sa hypocrisy ng sistemang kapitalismo.
Ayaw ko nga...

Sana magkatotoo yung wish ko du'n sa bulalakaw na nakita ko habang nakaupo kami nina Luui at Aisha sa Sunken garden.
Naroon na ang iniisip kong pangarap ko. Kaya lang, sa isang kisapmata'y biglang naglaho ang lahat.
Tsk, bakit lahat na lang ng gusto ko ay napakaimposible sa mundong ito?
Nakakainis.
Kaya siguro wala akong pangarap dahil iniisip kong hindi naman mangyayari ang gusto ko.
Ang hirap naman mabuhay sa mundong ito.

But then, bigla na namang nagbabago ang pag-iisip ko...
Everything about man is cultural.
Tao lang naman ang nagbibigay ng kahulugan sa lahat ng bagay.
Tao naman ako a? Well, at least, sa pagkakaalam ko'y tao ako.
Pwede akong magbigay ng sarili kong kahulugan sa mga bagay-bagay.
Pwede kong mabago ang mundo ko. Pwede kong gawin ang lahat ng gusto kong gawin.
Pero babansagan naman akong baliw ng ibang taong nakapaligid sa akin!
Anong dapat kong gawin?
Wah... nawawala na naman ako.
Kailangan ko ng paliwanag. Kailangan kong maliwanagan sa maraming bagay.

Tama na nga ang kalokohang ito.
Sa huli'y wala rin naman talaga akong magagawa.
Madadala pa rin ako sa agos. Kailangang sumunod sa itinakdang papel at mga gawain sa akin ng aking lipunan kung hindi, magiging deviant ako.

Hmmm. Kailangan kong pag-isipan ito ng mabuti.
Ngunit bago ang lahat...
Kailangan ko munang ipasa ang papel ko sa Archaeo.
Kailangan ko munang mag-aral para sa mga exams ko.
Kailangan ko munang magpadala sa agos ng aking lipunan.

Tsk. Nasayang lang ang oras ko. Mula sa wala'y bumalik na naman ako sa wala...

Hindi nauubos ang oras

Isang bagay lang ang hindi nauubos sa mundong ito-
at iyon ay ang oras.

Pero bakit pakiramdam ng marami, nauubusan na sila ng panahon?
Hehehe, nagka-cram na ako
pero 'eto ako ngayon at nagtatayp ng kung anu-ano sa blog na to...
Hmmm, hindi ko naman kayang gawin ng sabay-sabay ang lahat.
Kailangan lang i-manage ko ang aking oras.
May mga deadlines akong kailangang habulin, pero hindi naamn matatapos doon ang lahat.


harrr... gagawin ko na nga ang mga kailangan kong gawin...

draft

It never occurred to me then
until I realized that I was already doing something wrong

What is this feeling that you have bestowed upon me?
I still can't put into words this things I'm feeling for you.

I can't figure this out.
I can't get this thing out of my mind as much as I wanted to.

I can't help it, before I knew it, I realized that I'm beginning to like you more than I should have.
You bring forth to me this indescribable feeling and yet I still cannot help myself from thinking and worrying about you.
Why do you make me suffer this much?

I know I must put an end to this foolishness for its consequences are starting to get more and more unbearable as each day passes by.

I cannot let you know. I must not let you know.

I do not intend to put this burden upon your heart for yours is too pure to bear this foolishness of mine. This perplexing synthesis of loneliness, bliss, and sorrow you have created upon me is mine and only mine to suffer.

I am sorry for everything I have created from this illusion of you and me. I know that this would only cause endless suffering for the both of us.

So now I must stop.

Shit

Everything seems so unclear now.

I cannot define my thoughts, my feelings...
Even my sense of morality is shattered by all this things that are happening around me.
Everything seems out of place.

My father- God knows how I hate him, how I despise him.
I almost did everything I can to make him proud that he had me as his daughter.
Still, he ignores me.
He won't even listen to me.
He do not even understand me.

I hate him for not being the father I expected him to be.
He is not responsible enough to fulfill his obligations to his family, to us.
His weakness forced my beloved mother to leave home and work as a domestic helper (that for me is another word for slave with slightly more rights than true ones) for another family in a foreign land.
Oh how I missed my mother.
Every night I think of what she could be doing, if she is alright, or if she is lonely and thinking of us.

I despise him for what he had done to our mother.
I loathe him for what he is doing to our mother.
Most of all, I hate him for what he is doing to me and my brothers.

How can I ever make him understand that he is doing wrong?
But I myself can't figure out if what he's doing is wrong!
With all those new ideas and concepts I have been learning in anthropology, everything seems so confusing!
Who am I to tell him that what he is doing is wrong?

Maybe it is wrong for me because what he has been doing hurts me and my brothers,
especially my mother.
I know that this will hurt my mother more than anyone involved in this problem.

This whole thing makes me angry.
I cannot even look at my father. His mere presence infuriates me.
I have lost all the respect that's been left in me for him.

Much more, I hated myself the most for not doing anything regarding this shit.
I love my mother more than anyone else in this world.
I can't stand to see someone hurt her, not even my own father.
But I guess I'm just as cowardly as my father is.

tangama tangama tangama ko...

I don't want to be like him.


Before connecting in to the internet, I caught him again.
This time, he was not just texting her.
At first, I cannot get connected because there was no dial tone.
I was puzzled. The phone was working just fine a few minutes ago.
I checked the phone extension at the other house and was quite surprised to see my father talking to the other person on the line with such soft smile on his face.
It couldn't be my mother. She always calls on my father's celfone.

I thought my brother and I have already warned them. I thought then that they would stop.
I thought that we can just forget everything, and live our lives the same way it has been.

Am I being idealistic, or am I just plain foolish?

Stupid or not, one thing's for sure: This shit will never be forgotten.

Now, everything is changed. We won't live the same way we did before, whether we like it or not.